Tired
by LittleJaneway
Summary: What if she was just tired. We've all seen her tired. It's not completely out of the question...Please R
1. Part 1

**Disclaimer**: Paramount owns the characters…but lent them to me to play with a bit.

Same things everyday, reports, summaries, duty rosters. It was easy to get lost. To forget who you were and what you were there for. Easy for everything to become so monotonous that you lose your self in a trance like state while doing it. She found that happening a lot. Her mind would drift some place else. She would wonder what she had gotten herself into, and if she was able to get through like everyone expected her too.

Part of this was her fault. She had put on a strong face. Made sure everyone thought that she was strong enough to get them through this. It was her job, and they were her crew. She did it for them. Or so she thought.

* * *

He noticed something different about her lately. She had lost that bounce in her step, that spark in her eye. Their dinners together had become mixed with endless chatter, or stone silence. He wondered where she had gone off to in that often-turbulent mind of hers.He noticed she kept up sights though. Making sure her crew was well looked after. He often wondered if that was why she looked so worn. If she had her self up all night worrying needlessly, as she often did. But there was a difference this time. It was deeper.

* * *

"Just one more cup of coffee." She'd tell herself. "That's all I need just one more cup." But nothing was getting rid of the heavy tiredness that was starting to burro into her head and She knew Chakotay was starting to notice. He knew her too well. She hoped he would stay his distance though, let her work this out in her own time.

* * *

Always something more going on than she let on. He could see it in her eyes though. He should be able to by now. He's spent enough time looking into them over candlelight. They were often clouded with inner turmoil, but they always had that spark. The one that reassured him that she wasn't going anywhere. Those beautiful grey-blue eyes.But they were dark now. No spark, no clouds, just dark. They didn't show sadness, or loneliness, just emptiness. That's what worried him the most.

* * *

The days were getting longer now she was sure of it. Or maybe the nights were just too short. Not enough time to rest. Not enough time to sort out the mass of emotion that was trying to get out of its carefully sealed jar. So many things left un-dealt with. So many things had gotten put away before she ever had the chance to look at them.

Now they were coming out like a river. So many things, so many loud things. She found it hard to keep track. It was too overwhelming. She just needed them to quiet for a while, so she could get some sleep. Although right now, it felt as though there would never be enough sleep.

* * *

Should he chance it? Ask her what's wrong? Maybe she would tell him. "There's a better chance of the Borg queen handing over the collective to individuality." He sighed aloud. He knew her better than that. She would tell him nothing was wrong. That she was just tired.

Still he had to try. Someone had to put out that arm when someone was drowning. Even if the person drowning didn't know that they needed the arm to get out of the water.

* * *

She heard the door chime; it just didn't register until the second time. "Come in." She called out. Not leaving her space in front of the window. She had been standing there for sometime, her uniform coat on the couch in front of her. Just staring out at the stars, trying to remember if she was thinking about anything.

Chakotay walked in and over to her. She turned and smiled. He smiled back. Then he started to talk. She wanted to be paying attention, and maybe she was. She was nodding in all the right places, talking in all the right places, but the words just weren't sticking in her head. It's almost as if she didn't have the room

To him she seemed to be having a conversation. Anyone who didn't know better would think she was having a conversation. He knew better. Her eyes were wondering. Never staying in the same spot for more than a minute. Never staying on him for more than a second. There was no pattern to it though. More like her mind didn't quite know where it was supposed to be and he wondered if she even knew he was there. Did she live everyday like this?

"What's wrong?" She heard him ask. It was the only thing she really heard. Maybe because she had expected it. If only she had an answer that would satisfy him. She knew he wouldn't accept another: "I'm just tired." Not really anyway.

"I'm not sure." She answered honestly. "Things are too muddled. I can't think straight."

At least it was an honest answer. Something he had wanted to hear, although it didn't explain much. It's possible she didn't have the answers.

He watched her eyes dart around the room and her body start to sway. Maybe the answer was as simple as being tired. She looked as though she could sleep for days.

The ship rocked, and the red alert siren and lights went off

"Janeway to the bridge. Report."

"Two unknown ships off the port nacelle captain. They aren't responding to hails."

"We're on our way."

It was as though he was watching two different people. She suddenly had focus. So he thought.

* * *

"Yay a distraction!" She thought to herself. Maybe this would be what she needed, something to get her mind to think straight. She stumbled slightly on the way out of her quarters. She hoped Chakotay, who was right behind her, hadn't noticed.

"Report" She said stepping on to the bridge.

"Minor damage to the port nacelle, no injuries reported." Ensign Harry Kim reported.

There was another blast than another. Things were moving faster than she had thought. She barely had enough time to give the orders to fire back. The last shot fired, rocked the ship enough to knock her and several others to the floor. She hit her head on the edge of one of the stairs. Hard enough to knock her unconscious for a few seconds. Not enough for anyone to notice in the commotion.

She got back to her feet telling lieutenant Tuvok to fire at the engines of the attacking ships.

"The ships are retreating Captain." Tuvok said.

"Several decks report minor damage and minor injuries." Harry reported.

She nodded, and gave the orders needed to start the repairs. She also sent Tom down to help the doctor before heading to her ready room.

* * *

He had seen the time it had taken her to get up. She had hit her head hard and he knew there would be no way to convince her to go down to sickbay unless she knew everything else was looked after. She was the most stubborn human being he knew.

He was more worried now though. He had seen her stumble earlier, when she didn't have a head injury. How she had trouble focusing and standing. He needed to check on her. Make sure she hadn't collapsed the moment she had walked in to that room. He almost expected her to be on the floor when he went into her ready room.

"Checking up on me?" She asked with a smile when he walked in. She had expected as much. She guessed her fall didn't go unnoticed. He would want her to go down to sickbay no doubt. She told him if he walked with her she would go. She could use the company and he was on his way down to engineering anyway.

She had hoped the battle would have focused her a bit more. It didn't. Well that's not entirely true, she had been somewhat focused during the battle. But as soon as it was done the fog returned.

He was surprised that she had agreed to go to sickbay so willingly. He was even more surprised when she had asked him to go with her. Not that he wouldn't have anyway. He was on his way down to engineering, and this way he knew she would actually go.

She was silent the entire way down. Stumbling occasionally, using the wall as support. He hoped she would get the sleep she needed tonight. He hoped that was all she needed.

* * *

Chakotay left her in the doctor's capable hands, who then healed her head injury and sent her to bed. She didn't have the energy to argue. She needed the sleep. She had spent the last few days fighting emotions that she had never expected to deal with. They had been put away for a better time. A time when it wouldn't interfere with her job. It had been more exhausting than playing hours of velocity with Seven.

She crawled into bed as soon as she got to her room, but she couldn't do anything but toss and turn. She was having panic attacks, and becoming frustrated. How can one be so tired but not be able to sleep?

She got up and walked over to the replicator. She replicated a cup of hot tea and a strong sedative. She drank the tea and loaded the sedative into the hypo-spray. But she wasn't a doctor and she was exhausted to the point of distraction.

* * *

He had spent most of the night worrying about Kathryn. Something didn't feel right. She was exhausted, that anyone could have seen. The problem was she tended to be a little careless when she was over tired. Things were able to get to her more than they normally would have, and she didn't always think before she acted.

He was even more worried when she didn't answer her door in the morning. He knew she ahs been ordered by the Doctor to take the day off. He wanted to believe she was just sleeping, but a strong feeling in his gut told him to go in and make sure.

He typed in his security code and the doors hissed open. Everything was quiet as he made his way to her bedroom. He found her lying on the bed, under the covers. There was no movement. Something small next to the bed caught his eye. He rushed over and picked up the hypo-spray, putting it in his pocket. He'd want the Doctor to check what was used.He tried waking Kathryn, but couldn't. He felt his heart fall into his stomach. She had a pulse but it was weak and she wasn't breathing.

To be continued…

Please R&R


	2. Waking up

Disclaimer: I own the story.that is all. 

Note: Sorry it took so long to get part two up. I'm working on about five different stories at once here. laughs Part three might take a little while longer cause I have to find a way to wrap it up, but I promise you it'll get there.

She was confused when she woke up. Always confused. She turned and looked at the clock then waited for the chime she had heard every morning for the past week. Just like every other morning she hurried to the door to make sure he didn't panic. She didn't need to cause him any more anxiety. He still looked worried every morning. As though sometimes he wasn't sure she'd be there. How was she to tell him that some mornings she wished she wasn't?

He was thankful that she had agreed to let him meet her every morning before her shift, since she wouldn't agree to taking time off. She wanted everyone to think that there was nothing wrong. That she had just been a little sick, nothing more. He hated lying to the rest of the crew. In his mind they had a right to know what was happening with their Captain. In her mind, well he wasn't entirely sure what was going on in her mind.

She didn't think about much anymore. Not that everything that had caused her problems was gone, more like they couldn't be found. Nothing could be found in her head. It wasn't like a fog where she simply couldn't find her way it was just empty. This was a little harder to hide. People would be asking her questions, and although she heard them fine, she didn't always know what to respond with, or how. She often said nothing as a reply.

He noticed her lack of conversation skills. He wasn't the only one. The senior staff had started to ask questions. He wasn't sure how much longer he was going to be able to ward off their questions. He had thought about talking to her. Seeing if he could break the new barrier that she had put up. But a thought was all it was. He didn't really have the energy to confront her. He hadn't gotten much sleep in the last few days.

He was starting to get nervous. She could see it in his eyes. He was the only one he could look in the eyes as strange as that may sound. Not that she didn't notice the rest of the crew's worrying. She wanted someone to talk to. She needed someone to talk to. The only thing is she didn't want to be around anyone, at least she didn't think so

He watched Kathryn get onto the turbo-lift after her shift. He was just finishing up things then was going to follow her. B'Elanna and Tom had come to him asking him to speak to her. The figured he would be the only one that she would talk to. He worried about it. He didn't like going to her room. Every time he did he feared he'd find her like that again. She did assure him it was an accident, but part of him wasn't sure. With her behaviour before and lately it made him question it and the nightmares had been enough to keep him away for now.

He showed up at her door about an hour after she had gotten there herself. She knew he was coming. Well at least she knew he'd be there sooner or later. He had never really talked to her about what happened, and although she was thankful to some degree, she also knew that it was coming

"Hi." He said quietly when he walked through the door. "Hi." She replied, leading him to the couch. She got him a cup of tea and herself a well-deserved cup of coffee. He started with meaningless chatter about the weekly crew evaluations and ship diagnostics. Then he started with what he wanted to talk about.

"How have you been." He asked quietly.

"I'm fine." she replied. She may have been lying but it's what he wanted to hear, or it may have been if he believed her.

"You don't have to cover up here. It's probably best you don't."

"No, really Chakotay I'm fine." She said taking a sip of my coffee, trying to act as natural as possible.

"The crew has been worried. I'm actually here on they're behalf, well partially. We never talked about what happened." He said putting his cut of tea on the table.

"There is nothing to talk about, I've already told you what happened."

"And there is nothing more?" He asked not convinced.

"No. Should there be?" She asked him looking in his eyes to try and convince him that she was telling the truth.

"You've been troubled. Don't say you haven't I can see it in your eyes. Even now when you're trying hard to convince me you're not." He accused not letting her interrupt him.

"Chakotay, if I thought it important for you to know, then you would know." She said snapping at him. She instantly regretted it but didn't apologize. He looked hurt. Maybe she should tell him something to get him off her back and to make him feel better. Or was that the wrong incentive?

He was surprised that she had been so harsh with him. He didn't think he had been pushing her that much, in fact he thought he was being rather lenient. This only made him more sure there was something eating at her, well more so then he had been before.

She really didn't like where this conversation was going. Or maybe she just didn't like where she wanted it to go. She knew that if he stayed and kept talking the way he was talking, she was going to end up spilling everything on to him. The only thing was she couldn't get her self to move to get away, or to tell him to leave.

"You spend so much time hiding, did you ever think that it would be better for you to come out and actually deal with things?" His words were harsh, but he didn't regret them. If she wanted to play tough then she picked the wrong opponent.

"Don't you dare! don't you dare tell me what to do, or how to handle thing!. I'm dealing with things in my own way." She shot back at him.

"Are you? Is that why you can't concentrate on anything your crew is telling you, or anything that is happening around you? Seems like you're real good at dealing with it to me, I'll just leave and we can pretend this conversation didn't happen." He said standing up. His voice was harsh but his eyes were not. She just sighed. There wasn't much else she could do. He was right, he was right with all of it.

"Sit down." She told him her voice staying strong. He did.

The conversation between the two of them lasted for hours, and when they were done she was utterly exhausted, but she didn't feel as alone. She didn't think she eased his worries though. Probably made them worse. He didn't want to leave her when she told him she was heading to bed. She promised him she'd be there when he came to get her in the morning.

He had gotten more than he had bargained for when she had finally opened up. Nothing was really solved, which he now realized was a ridiculous hope. How could you fix everything in one conversation? At least now he knew what went through her head everyday.

She felt a warm hand on her shoulder. It was Chakotay shaking her awake. She guessed she was a bit more tired than she thought. She never heard the alarm or the door chime. She hated that look in his eyes. She had done it again. Worried him more than she had meant to. It was the first time she understood his point of view.

He couldn't even describe the anxiety he felt when she didn't answer the door that morning. It was the same fear that woke him up at odd hours of the morning, and it was the same picture in his mind of her lieing there lifeless that he couldn't get out of his head as he typed in his override codes. He couldn't even find words when she simply woke up. He had been thankful for the talk they had the night before, maybe he didn't realize how draining it was. He did know that if this kept happening he was going to need a two-day sleep himself.

She didn't feel rested. She didn't feel much of anything this morning. She only knew that something was wrong because she didn't feel anything and she was so tired. Deciding not to go on duty that day was an easy decision. She wasn't fit for duty no matter how much she wanted to use her shift to get her mind off things. The real problem today was that her mind was so muddled, she wasn't even sure there were things to hide from. She also told Chakotay to tell the senor staff everything that had happened. They needed to know. She made him promise to make sure that they wouldn't tell the rest of the crew though. Only the eight of them needed to know, so that things could be handled accordingly with the shifts for the next few days.


	3. yesterday

**Disclaimer**: I own the story…that is all.

**Note**: I thank you all for being very patient with me. I do realize I need a beta reader, but don't know how to go about getting one laughs As for the story it's self. It was supposed to be muddled and confused. If the characters don't know what's going on, I never let my readers know what's going on either. How would they relate to the confusion then?

Bit of a change of pace for this chapter though. Hope it wraps everything up for you.

I needed to speak to him. To tell him what was on my mind, what had been bothering me when I woke up yesterday. Yesterday. What a strange day that was. For the first time in many weeks I woke up feeling rested, feeling better. I was able to think clearly for the first time in many months and I managed to at least get a start on figuring things out. I realized now that there would be no quick fix, but at least I had the mental clarity to figure it out.

It wasn't until yesterday that I realized what had actually happened that one night when Chakotay found me. What I had actually done. I was leery to call it a suicide attempt because that's not what I had consciously wanted to do. I just wanted to quiet everything down, and I was tired and wanted to sleep. The problem came when I realized that I didn't care how that happened or for how long I slept. The longer the better.

I found Chakotay in the mess hall.

"Hey." He said when he saw me walking towards him. I had surprised him this morning by beating him to the door.

"Hi. Do you think we can find a place to talk quietly?" I asked.

"We can go back to my quarters if you want?"

"Sure that'd be great." I smiled at him. He got up and led the way to his room.

"Would you like anything?" He asked when we got there.

"No thanks." He replicated himself a cup of tea then sat down on the couch beside me.

"What's up?"

"I realized we hadn't really talked in the last little while." I started.

"That isn't for the lack of trying." He smiled at me.

"No it isn't. I'm sorry about that. I guess I just wasn't ready. I do want to say thank you though."

"Thank you for what?" He asked confused.

"Thank you for everything you've done, everything that you've put up with and for finding me that morning." He looked a little taken back by what I had said.

"I never expected a thank you." He said quietly.

"Truthfully I never wanted to give one. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized that I was thankful." I said.

"I don't understand."

"For the longest time I was actually mad that you had found me. I wanted to stay asleep. I wanted to be able to not deal with things for a while and that was the way I had chose to do it." I admitted. He looked shocked, but I continued. "I was also mad at myself for letting you see me that way, and for letting it happen. I never thought I had let things get so bad. I just kept putting it off and putting it off until it caught up to me."

"You could have come to me you know." Chakotay said putting his hand on mine.

"I didn't want to admit anything was wrong. I was actually happier knowing that I was able to get along so well with out anyone, for a while anyway."

"You do give new meaning to the word stubborn." He said shaking his head. I just smiled.

"Keeps things interesting don't you think?"

"Yes." He nodded and smiled. "Never a dull moment, and when there is would you please remember next time that Tom usually finds away to make things more interesting?"

I laughed. "I'll try."

"I'm here for you while you try and work this out you know." He said going back to the more serious tone.

"I know. I think this was my little way of saying that I'm not going to be able to do it alone." I said looking into his eyes. "Do you think you're up for it?" I smiled coyly.

"You may have met your match." He said smiling back. "I may not let you get away with not talking anymore."

"Good. Glad to hear it. Keeping in mind I can have you thrown in the brig, I think this will be a lot of help."

"I'm not sure this was an open invitation to throw me in the brig when ever you need a pick me up." He laughed.

"Thank you Chakotay." I said resting my hand on top of his.

"No, thank you for finally telling me what was going on." He said.

"Not a problem." I laughed.

He took both my hands in his and I was comforted to know that no matter how rough healing was going to be I had someone.


End file.
